Unknown Primary

I remember writing my first blog post in 2008. At the time, I had no idea how blogging would transform my life. A good friend had told me that my emails would be great blog posts. I remember sitting in my kitchen and starting. Blogging was a catalyst for so many amazing things in my life and the friendships and connections I made have had direct impact on my life and career. I could go on and on about all the amazing opportunities, friendships, and experiences blogging brought me but at the very beginning blogging was an outlet of expression for me. This is what I'm after now. I don't care if anyone reads my posts. I actually crave a little bit of anonymity. Still, I need a place to write and record what I am sure, with 100% certainty, are the hardest days of my life. I want to remember the thoughts and feelings and experiences of these days. So here I go....

He felt funny. Didn't feel hungry and any time he ate he felt full right away. We had both been for our annual physicals in late January. Our blood work was good and we were both relatively healthy. He could stand to lose some weight but was otherwise a healthy 48 year old man. I think this is why what we learned a few months later was so shocking.

We spent the week of spring break at his mom's in New York City and on the way home he mentioned that he hadn't really been feeling all that well. Over the next few weeks he felt full and had stomach pain anytime he ate. We went down the list of elimination foods. I'd had allergies and been through this before. Sometimes it seemed like rice was a problem but other times it seemed like gluten might be an issue. Bulk. It definitely seemed like a volume issues. I recall saying he should see Doc S. to check in. In early April we were walking home from appetizers and beers at the pier and he could barely make it up the hill because he was in so much pain. That week he went to the doctor and the longest road to diagnosis ever began. An x-ray showed nothing. A blood test showed high lipids and that led to a CT scan that showed ascites. Google it or don't - it's some scary shit when you just have a stomach ache.

On July 5th, one day before our 22nd wedding anniversary we learned that he had a stage IV cancer. The oncologist told us that pathology thought it was most likely pancreatic. He was scheduled for another procedure where they would go into his pancreas and bile ducts. I remember crying all night long and feeling like someone had stabbed me in the heart. and lungs. and head. and soul.

They never found anything in the pancreas. In fact, they did not find a primary tumor. This was good news because pancreatic cancer is the deadliest. We now sit with the diagnosis "carcinoma of unknown primary". So here we are.

Douchecanoe Soup

Sometimes life is like being stuck in a big bowl of Douche Canoe Soup. So here we are!